• Profile
  • Message From Founder
  • Ahmad S Saood
  • What it feels like to exist and become someone.
  • What is belief made of? The inexplicable feeling that something is going to happen just if I do or feel hard enough. It keeps me up at night, becomes my hopes and dreams. Sometimes I feel euphoric, infused with a light, a sense of purpose. At other times, I hit my head on the wall, curse the day I took this up, thought I could actually do this. I become crazy, at times in denial. They say there are five stages of grief. Belief has five stages all of its own.
  • The purpose of human existence it seems is to become capable, to take care of oneself, and then take care of another. We are all expected to build evidence of our existence. Grow up, be a good student, choose your vocation, be an adult, get a family, surge ahead professionally, be the best at what you do… raise your children well. This comes with an irony of its own. Creating your children isn’t enough, you have to make them capable human beings as well. After all, it’s YOUR responsibility. So what if you are what you are today based on your own struggle? Your children will have secure futures. That is most important.
  • But how will I do this? There are people around me, some offering sagely advice, some just appearing to. When I need them, they often disappear. I push and push, increasing my speed, clawing my way up, sideways, oblong… but never down. I cannot afford to go down.
  • I get my bearings. I’m panting and want to rest a bit. But I can’t stop. I haven’t accomplished what I had to yet. How do I prove that I have been successful? I love my family dearly, they are my lifeline. I want to stop sometimes, this work that has started to seem like madness to me. What purpose is this? What belief is this? It seems like I still have to prove that my creation was worthwhile.
  • An obsession grips me. I will run and claw my way till I reach the top. What is the top? Whatever it might be. I am climbing a mountain. Sometimes I look down and I see the smiling faces of my children. I wonder whether I should ask them to come up with me. Maybe not yet, these footholds may not be that strong. I myself fell so many times. I climb on. I look down again. I don’t see them anymore. Maybe they are still there, maybe they walked away. I have to go on my own now, with just the images of their warm faces in my heart.
  • Maybe it takes a month, maybe it takes a hundred. I am pulling myself by my very fingernails now, teetering near the top. I stagger up to the peak, dazed. I am panting and delirious. Have I finally done it? I turn around, a big smile on my face. There is no one.
  • When you are alone and you find a companion
  • There is no one. The smile slowly fades away from my face. Now that everything is still, a feeling of trepidation hits me. Did I do the right thing? I am at the peak. Was there something else I was supposed to do? No, no, this is how things are done, I explain to myself. The feeling of anxiety is replaced by a feeling of loneliness. I am alone it seems, and shall always be. Awashed by this sense of resignation, I decide to sit where I am.
  • I look around taking in the view that is to be my permanent achievement. What else is left? I have done it all. I look to a higher peak. There are two climbers doing their best to reach the top. They are following a treacherous path, you think. You yourself almost fell, sometimes almost gave up. They might as well just let it be.
  • You see one of them bolstering the other up. The other climber seems hesitant at first, he seems to want to stay where he is. The first puts a hand on the other’s shoulder, smiles and gives a reassuring pat. The other takes heed and climbs on. Soon enough, they reach the top. You look on with a sense of wonderment. They did it after all. It must feel so nice to have someone so encouraging and understanding with you. The climb up must have taken a while, but the companionship must have made it such a fruitful one.
  • Not only can you share your dreams and hopes with each other, it must feel relieving to know from a trustworthy person that you are heading in the right direction. It must feel nice having a reassuring hand on your back for when you want to lean against it and rest.
  • As you look on, the first climber spots you. You look back in surprise and look away. When you look back, the climber is still smiling his warm smile. He waves. You wave back. He motions that he wants to come towards you. You think about it. It would be great to have someone to share the view with, along with a few stories and climbing experiences. You call him over. He starts to climb towards you. He reaches a hand out, you grab it and pull him over. Now you are both standing across each other, smiling.
  • Warm Regards,
  • Ahmad S Saood
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